Fictional Character Attachment Disorder

**SPOILER ALERT** If you are not up to date on Downton Abbey, I would recommend exiting this page right now. Don't read it. Mom, that's you. Stop reading. I mean it.

I get too attached to fictional characters. So I'm creating a real disorder. Fictional Character Attachment Disorder, or FCAD. I know I'm probably using "attachment disorder" in the wrong context, but it makes sense, doesn't it?

I can't let go of fictional characters. I just can't. I started watching the first episode of season four of Downton Abbey (it's not that shocking, people. Just look it up on the internet. You don't have to live in the UK.) and within the first thirty seconds, I was freaking out. I feel for these characters like they're real people. Most human beings get over fictional deaths very easily. Not me. I have been mourning Sibyl Crawley's death for about a year. If I lived in the 1920's, I would still be in black. That's how bad it is. This was me while I watched that episode.

Anyway, I had to stop watching the new episode because I was so sad. I went to bed instead of watching the long awaited Series four of Downton Abbey. I was literally too sad to watch it. Of course I have now completed the episode, coming out with only minor emotional injuries. I knew I had to face it, because I am so freaking addicted to it, I just knew I would cry a lot. And I did. It was hard. Freaking Mary and her fatherless child.

It's not only Downton Abbey that I cry over profusely, but lots of other things. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was horrible. I was a wreck. And due to all of the Harry Potter pages I have liked on Facebook, I get to endure Fred's death every day. Why do admins enjoy posting pictures relating to Fred's death so much? It's uncalled for.

Oh, and Les Mis wasn't fun either. Such an incredible book. That's another can of worms though. Eponine's death had me SOBBING in the theater. I was shaking and my face was covered in tears. It took a lot of strength not to make lots of awful crying noises. Fantine wasn't fun in any way either. I was only capable of not crying my eyes out during Jean Valjean's death because I knew it would suck really freaking bad. I literally had to gear myself up to watch that last scene. I situated myself so I wouldn't be prone to a fit and got ready for a storm of feelings. I was avoiding something like this:

That happened to me too much in Downton. Ugh. So many feelings. 

I added that one mainly because of Avatar. It's the best cartoon ever made. Ever.

Anyway. The point is, if you ever feel like you can't let go of characters as if they're a part of your family, you probably have FCAD like me. I don't think there's a cure to this. We can go to all kinds of doctors, but it can't be fixed. But is that a bad thing? I don't think so. I think being overly attached to fictional characters shows your ability to love people in general. My great grandma always says that "the heart doesn't divide, it multiplies". That's one of my favorite phrases ever. We don't have a limited amount of space in our hearts. We can expand our hearts by simply loving more.

So there is nothing wrong with loving characters a lot. It's just a step towards loving people a lot.

So there.

I am officially a student at Paradigm High School! Oy. I wrote a draft of this post and it didn't save. We will see if I can remember what I said.

Well, as always, life has worked out. At least this part of life. There is so much to life that you can't really say that it's ALL worked out. Anyway, I am so grateful. The odds that I would get in were very small. But I felt like it was right, and I realized that if it was, that it would happen. I had to put a lot of faith in God. It was so worth it. 

There's more to this than just being in a good school, though. When we were talking to the counselor, my mom asked her if I was going to be able to graduate normally, because I took my sophomore year off, basically. The counselor was surprised, and said something along the lines of "oh no, you'll graduate normally, no problem. You have two years, you'll graduate." HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I got to have a year off to breathe and grow, and it will hardly affect my education at all. 

So I have something to say to all the people that told me that I'm "screwing up" my life, and that I'm making the wrong choices by doing what I did, and that my mom is a "bad mom" for letting me drop out like that. Here it is: ha ha, you were wrong, my way was better than yours, I win, in your face, SO THERE. 

I know it's wrong and extremely childish to behave that way, but can I just have a minute to rub it in their faces? I mean seriously. I have been putting so much trust in God over the last year. I walked into this situation because it felt like the right thing. I didn't know why, but it was. I just kept on trusting, and because I kept having faith that the answers I was getting were right, I was led here. Trusting God was much more effective than trusting google. I would recommend it. 

I am so blessed. 

I was given a year to stop and breathe. It was much needed. Life was going too fast before. Things would happen, and everything was going so fast that I couldn't digest them. I needed some time to recuperate. And what's amazing is that I was actually given that. Like I was given a year of perspective and paradigm shifts. (Ha. Geddit? PARADIGM shifts? Yeah alright.) It was almost like in movies when someone wishes for something like "I wish I never had a mom" or "I wish my birthday was every day" and then they get it and they realize it sucks. Then they cry and they're like "I take my wish back wahh" and then when it's reversed, they're so grateful for their life that they can't stop smiling. Then someone asks them why they're acting so weird, and then they just wink at the camera or something cliche like that. 

That's what this is like. I can't stop smiling. I'm so happy to have a good school and education that I just love life. I think that's an achievement. If there was a camera to wink into, I would wink into it.

Life is wonderful, you know?

Be grateful

During my metamorphosis, I came to realize something about life. And that is that it's BEAUTIFUL. But I'm talking about life. People. Nature. Art. Music. God's creations. Most definitely not grades and pay raises.

It makes me so sad to see people who think that the only thing that matters is their grades, because that is absolutely not true. A GPA does not define your worth. As much as people say that they understand this, I don't know if they actually do. They continue to strive for good grades for the sake of good grades. Not for discipline or self mastery or because they love learning, but because they want that piece of paper that says "I'm good enough". My opinion is who gives a crap whether you have a PhD or a GED? That's not what I care about. There's a human being behind that piece of paper.

Nobody should be judged by what combination of letters represents them in the "real" world. I mean really, it's just some initials representing the kind of degree you earned. Now, of course, I see the value in an education. But what matters is your intentions. Do you actually want to go to school because you want to learn? Or do you want to go to school because if you work hard enough your parents will think you're worth something? Some people go to medical school because there's money in being a doctor. Do all of the people going through medical school actually want to help people with the knowledge they are gaining? Or do they do it because their parents want them to? These are the kinds of questions I would ask a new college student. Go after something you love, because if you don't, you are wasting a lot of time. "Men are that they might have joy." Hear that? We were born to be happy. We were not born for a 4.0.

Our systems make me crazy. It's all that most people see, yet it's completely invisible. It's the idea that you MUST get good grades to be worth something to anyone. It's the idea that to live, you MUST get good enough grades to get a job. It's the idea that you MUST be valuable to a company because you have an impressive resume. Of course I also get the fact that we need to provide for ourselves and our families, but what good does it do if you're only surviving an only half bad life? What ever happened to the world that we live in? What happened that made people forget that there are people to meet and new things to experience?

When I went against the social norm and took a step back, I realized how grateful I am for the beauty I am surrounded by. We are all surrounded by it. Physically, we all see it. But do we appreciate it? I guess what this all comes down to is gratitude. If people could be grateful for the wonderful lives we have in this rotten country, maybe they'd be happy. And it's not hard at all - people say that happiness isn't an overnight thing, but it definitely can be. Your circumstances don't have to change even an ounce - it's your perspective. If you just look around and take a second to be thankful that you have simple things like shade and air conditioning, you'll be much happier. I promise, it's like magic. It changed my aunt's life. She was a pretty depressed person, and when she started being grateful for everything, she was on cloud nine. 

It seems that everyone in the world lives inside the box. When I imagine "the box" and the system that we all follow, I see everyone living in big, gray corporate buildings. They sit in cubicles while the people in control have their offices with mahogany desks and potted plants and leather chairs. Meanwhile, I'm outside, laying in the grass and staring at the sky because it's beautiful and it's there. The corporate buildings are very real for some people, but the metaphorical buildings are not real. The metaphorical buildings are the state of mind that people have. You aren't trapped in them. People metaphorically walk in all by themselves, and teach their children to do the same. It's become our culture. Nobody knows any better. 

The metaphorical corporate buildings might not be real, but the sky is real. The way that plants provide your very breath is real. Everyone should take a minute to hug a tree. I mean it. Hug a freaking tree. They are very nice to you, you know, providing oxygen for you and everything. There is nothing wrong with being close to nature. Nature is God's most raw, pure creation. It lives without corruption and continues to serve this ungrateful human race without questioning.

For some reason we often forget God and always remember that we need to get good grades. School is not about grades, people! IT'S ABOUT LEARNING. Our school system is designed so that we remember facts long enough to check the right box on the test. Real educators try to teach lessons that matter. I had a teacher that was like that. My english teacher. Best teacher I've ever had. She taught us so much more than vocabulary words. I wish there were more teachers like her. 

We are doing it wrong. I'm sure many will disagree on this point, as I have experienced before. I know a lot of pro-public school people, and they seem to only understand school. Again, that breaks my heart. A huge portion of peoples' lives are wasted when they only seek for credibility. I beg them to understand how wonderful life is when you take a minute to appreciate it, all obligations aside.

Why don't you do that - take a minute (however long you want a minute to be) and stop caring about what you have to do tomorrow. Stop worrying about what's due. Stop worrying about work or school. Just stop for a second or two.  And have a conversation with someone. Learn something new. Go outside and breathe. Look at the sky and appreciate the fact that the sky always changes, providing a beautiful picture for you every day. Then realize that we live surrounded by beauty. Then smile, because you know that there is so much more to enjoy than you ever thought before. 

My (fairy) grandmother

My grandma is the freaking best. Seriously. I believe that there is not a single grandma in the whole world that is better than my grandma. She is my real hero. I have heroes like J.K. Rowling, Captain America, Jeffrey R Holland, Steven Moffat, you know. But she has always been and always will be my real hero. 

She never stops being good. And there is a real difference between being good and being great or wonderful or amazing, or any other synonyms that you can think of. Being good is having goodness inside you. You can do great things and have the reputation of being great, but to actually be good in your core where nobody can see it is what really matters. 

"Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but of your goodness, Dobby never knew..." - Dobby, to Harry in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. 

That quote has always been extremely profound to me. My aunt mentored me when I was young, and we discussed the Harry Potter books a lot. We talked about this line, and ever since then, it has been important that I be not only great, but good. Before then, it never occurred to me that goodness could be better and more important than greatness. Goodness is a quality that I search for in people. It's rare these days, and it is worth so much. This is why my grandma is an absolute gem. 

Let me tell you why my grandma is so good:

1. She has been taking care of her parents for as long as I have been alive, and most likely a lot longer than that. She has her 94 year old mother living with her now, and she is so happy to have her there. Of course nobody would allow my great grandmother to live alone, but my grandma took it on with such grace and kindness. 

2. She is the humblest human being I've ever met. I mean real humility. People mistake low self confidence for humility all the time. But she has real humility. Her life consists of endless service. She never stops serving, because she doesn't see it as serving. She sees it as what she ought to do as a human being with the ability to serve. She just does it. 

3. She is the most thoughtful person ever. This kinda goes with the service thing, but she never stops thinking about what she can do to make other people's lives easier. But it's totally natural. She just does it without thinking about the fact that she doesn't have to. 

4. If she's not serving, she's studying the scriptures or something equally as profound. Her head is filled with deep and inspiring thoughts. She always knows what's important, and she pays attention to those things. 

5. She's always trying to become a better person (as if that's even possible). She just keeps trying to be better. I'm fairly certain that there are VERY few moments when she's putting energy into something that won't better herself, serve someone else, or make her or someone else happy. 

6. She is FUNNY. Not like standup funny, but if you just sit and observe her, she is hilarious to watch. She is absolutely adorable. She's never too serious. She'll be working on something, and she will make a funny face or sing to herself as if nobody is there. She is one of my favorite people to simply be in the same room with. 

7. She can whistle like a freakin dream. The only person I've ever heard whistle as good as her in real life is my step dad. She will often whistle songs from various musicals while she works. Usually it's Les Mis or a hymn. 

8. She loves the hymns and whistles and sings them all the time. One of my favorite moments that I witnessed of hers was when we were in Vegas with some family over general conference. We were working on packing up and leaving while listening to it. She had her earbuds in while she was doing dishes, and the choir was singing "High On A Mountain Top". She forgot she was wearing earbuds and just belted the hymn. When she noticed me giggling she realized she was singing a song that we couldn't hear. She laughed and said a surprised "oh" at the same time. It was absolutely adorable. 

9. Speaking of conference, one of my favorite things about her is how much she LOVES General Conference. Whenever it comes along, it's blasting as loud as possible on any device capable of playing it. General Conference at my grandparent's house is one of my favorite times of the year. 

10. She is the queen of bacon. Seriously she is the best at making bacon. It's magical. I'm convinced that she is a fairy. Or an angel or something. 

11. Her testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never met another woman with a stronger testimony. It makes me love the church with all my heart. She is always strengthening her testimony, and I love seeing her reading the scriptures or studying doctrine. She gets so into it. She focuses on the only thing that matters in the world, and tolerates interruptions very well. Her room has the greatest feel about it. It's my favorite part of her house. It's where my grandma learns and prays and ponders because she wants to. She doesn't do it to get attention. She loves it so much, and knows how important it is to keep learning. She is just overflowing with love for the gospel. 

Bonus reason: she has created and shaped the most amazing family in the world. We are all best friends. We love each other to death, and we never fight. It sounds like a fairy tale when I describe it to people. We never fight. Ever. We laugh, we play, we talk, we work, and we love. I don't know if there is another family who can say that they love each other enough to never fight. I won the lottery of families. I can't wait for eternity with them. 

This is my grandma. Would you just look at this picture? I mean REALLY. HOW ADORABLY HILARIOUS IS THAT. My grandma is the best. I can't believe I have her. It's pretty cool. 

BUT SERIOUSLY LOOKIT HER FACE. My grandma is so cool. She can have fun. That's cool. It looks like she's playing with a grandchild or something here. Freaking love her to death. 

Caterpillars, cocoons, butterflies, and my hair.

Well, I'm an idiot. I should be posting a lot more. I should be at least writing, if not posting. I know I love to write and I know it's good for me. Why don't I do it? Because it's hard? I don't think so. I love to do it. Because I don't have time? Well that's a dumb excuse. I have plenty of time. I think this is very similar to reading my scriptures. I know it's good for me, I know it makes me happier, yet I never keep up the habit of doing it. Oh well. I'm writing now. 

Most of you should know by now that I chopped off my hair. Almost all of it. It was an insane decision for me to make, because those who know me well know that I loved my hair. I took very good care of it. It was always baby soft and it hardly ever tangled. It was the stuff of fairy tales, I tell you. 

So why did I chop it off? Because I forgot that there was a human being underneath it. And I look way better with short hair. But more the human being thing. 

I depended on my hair to feel pretty. It was my distinguishing feature. It was the thing that people noticed. People would look at me and say "wow, your hair is so long!" And then they would feel it and be mesmerized by it. I felt so special because of it, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't be special or noticed without it. (And the fact that I was afraid of losing it was the biggest sign that it needed to go) 

I thought it said something about me, but it did no such thing. I mean, sure, it was gorgeous hair, and I made sure it always was. But it said absolutely nothing about the person behind it. 

I also really needed the change. I've been going through somewhat of a transformation or a metamorphosis, you might say. I feel like a caterpillar. I had to take some time to be in my cocoon, (which was some time off from everything to consider my life and discover myself) and some people didn't like that. Some people told me "you can't do that in the real world". Well, guess what, folks? I just did. And I'm a freaking butterfly now, for crying out loud. 

Cutting my hair was a part of that. My hair was part of my life when I was growing up. When I was a different person. Since most everything else about me changed and developed, the hair was the only thing left from that other person. Once I got rid of it, I completed my transformation. Now I feel different, act different, think different, and even look different. It's wonderful, isn't it? Life is good. 

Also, would you just look at this cat? 

I love it more than anything right now. Well that's not true. I like my family quite a bit and I am enjoying Doctor Who a whole lot. But seriously it's one of my favorite things. For some reason, seeing a black and white picture of a cat standing on its hind legs like a penguin or a person for a portrait makes me so happy I can't even begin to tell you. I laugh every time I see it. I mean loon at it! As;lsksfjdk IT'S SO CUTE. Normally I'm not a sucker for cute pictures of cats. But when it's in this style, I can't handle it. Anyway. Have a nice day. 

Being Real

I obviously really like real things. I love real people. Especially real celebrities, because they are obviously stronger than the rest of us for staying real through all the pressure of the media. I think being real is a very individual thing, though. We all have our own levels of confidence.

What I mean by "real" in reference to celebrities is that they can be good people and be human like the rest of us. They can laugh but they can also cry. They don't strive for a good appearance, they strive for a good heart. Some examples of these people are Amy Poehler, Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence.

Amy Poehler, though hilarious, is a wonderful person with children and an amazing brain. She has a YouTube channel called "smartgirls". My favorite part of the channel is her "Ask Amy" segment. She takes questions from girls and women around the world and answers them with sincerity and wisdom. I love them because they are not only helpful, but they show that she is so much more than just a funny actress. She is a real person through and through. She cares about people, and wants to help other people make a difference.

I'm obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence. She is hilarious, and as real as you can get. She understands the women of the world! She comes from humble circumstances, and she doesn't care about her weight, she likes to eat, she doesn't like wearing pants, she is fine with embarrassing herself in public, etc. For more of me obsessing over Jennifer Lawrence, see my Pinterest board: Just For Kicks
I have tons of other funny stuff in there, but I have an ample amount of Jennifer Lawrence related pins. I want her to be my best friend so badly.

Emma Watson is so amazing I just can't handle it sometimes. For starters, she played my favorite character in my favorite series ever written, Hermione Granger. She is also humble and loves to learn. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is. She has absolutely no need of a college degree to make it in life, because she's already made it. Well, in the world's eyes she has. But she sees more in life. She is modest, wise, funny, utterly gorgeous, smart, and strives to be good and to keep learning. She is receiving my "Role Model Worthy" stamp of approval. Girls, start obsessing over her instead of Justin Bieber. Start trying to be like Hermione and Emma Watson, because if your goal is to be like Hermione, you're bound to do something good.

One of the parts of being real is being able to get real. By that, I mean get serious about some things. Not everything has to be a joke. Some things are serious, and deserve to be treated as such. Some of those things that deserve to be serious include actual people, more specifically, ourselves. Sometimes we try to be funny all the time just so people will like us. But in doing that, we make a joke of ourselves, and if we can't be comfortable being real, then we don't appear real to others.

I have found that a lot of people that are into comedy seem to have a hard time being serious. I've discovered this via YouTube. Take Grace Helbig (Daily Grace) for example. I have not seen her being actually serious about anything without an underlying comedic purpose. Some people, like Hannah Hart (My Drunk Kitchen) seem to be more capable of doing this. I suspect it's a confidence thing. Daily Grace may not be as comfortable in her skin than Hannah Hart. I think when you are comfortable with who you are and are confident about being accepted, you are capable of getting real with people. It takes courage to be real and to expose your real emotions and opinions. Some people think that their only purpose is to make people laugh. But they need to realize that when we are seeing them as often as we do, we are coming to like this person for exactly who they are. I adore Hannah Hart, and the reason why I love her so much is because she has been comfortable with sharing parts of herself with her community. We have come to know her more fully as a person, rather than just an entertainer. We love being entertained by her, but we love it more because we love HER.

I've watched people grow over time on their YouTube channels. I don't just watch YouTube for entertainment. I love people more than anything, and I get to see the way that people act when they are putting themselves up for the world to see. I get to watch how their behaviors change over time, and all I have to do is watch a progression of videos in consecutive order. It's really fascinating to me to see the changes that occur in people.

I have issues with being serious sometimes. I feel comfortable in my own skin, and I can be serious with close friends, but I've discovered that in writing this blog, I am very different. When I write fiction, I can be extremely serious. Sometimes too serious, and I've had family members criticize my writing because it had heavy subject matter. But what they don't understand is that just because I called it fiction, does not mean it's any less real to me. I would not be able to write anything with as much depth if I hadn't actually felt it. Sometimes we use the fact that a story is fiction to mask the real meaning of it. Without the excuse of calling this blog fiction, I'm very exposed. This is all me, my thoughts and opinions, my humor, my feelings, it's all real. I think it can be a lot harder to write your own opinion than to write a fictional story. There's no hiding in writing about yourself.

In conclusion, we are not one dimensional. So don't make yourself appear one dimensional - when you show your own depth, you can have more meaningful relationships, you can get more out of life. It's really incredible what can come from accepting every aspect of yourself. Of course, when you accept something, it doesn't mean you can't change it. We grow every day, and just because we come to terms with something, does not mean we can't change. Growth and change is a part of being real. The most real things are natural. We should liken ourselves to trees - growing, changing, withering and blooming, giving and receiving, reaching, and living. At least that's my analogy, you can come up with your own.

Dubstep = the Perfect Combo of Awkward and Awesome

In my previous post I ranted about how music should be real, like food should be. But we all have our guilty pleasures, don't we? Well, mine just happen to be One Direction, cats and dubstep. I'm only going to talk about dubstep though.

I think that there are three different ways to enjoy music:

1. The deep, emotional, usually depressing kind when you feel like you understand what it means, or at least    what it means to you. The words are what matter in this.

2. The kind that exactly describes the way that you're feeling. But this is referring more to the happy kinds of feelings. The sad feelings are under the first category. This is the kind of music that you revel in because you are happy with your own circumstances, but this just enhances the feelings. You can kick back, look into the sky and enjoy the moment. It prolongs something beautiful. The energy is important here.

3. The kind that enhances any moment. It kicks up the base for anything you are doing. It puts a rhythm in your movements, it makes you feel awesome. It has nothing to do with how you are feeling, because it induces feeling. You don't have to be feeling anything to listen to this. It makes your pulse a little more prominent. You become part of the music. This is the kind of music that makes vacuuming feel like being a superhero. The rhythm or bass is key.

So dubstep is part of number three. It is awesome. Even though it's not instruments, and I don't really know if you can actually call it music, I enjoy it. It makes writing this blog feel way more awesome, and that's saying something. It can't get much more awesome than this. But seriously, I love dubstep.

So I think that we have established that it is awesome. Now for the awkward part. So you know how when you are listening to an awesome song and you can't help but sing along or air guitar or dance? Well dubstep has this quality where you NEED to somehow get out this energy that keeps building as the song gets closer to the drop. But the thing is, you CAN'T sing along to dubstep. There's no letting loose and belting your favorite part. We've all tried it, I know. But "wub wub wub" will not cut it. There is so much awesome going on in a dubstep song, and there's nothing you can do to match it.

There comes a time when you are listening to a song and the awesome is building up and you have to let it out. Like when you're listening to "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons, and you have no choice but to scream the chorus, you know? Well whoever decided to make dubstep was both a genius and a moron. I've never heard music that builds so much and drops so well, and with that should come the ability to do SOMETHING that expels that energy.

So if we can't sing along, and we can't air guitar because there's no guitars, then what do we do? Dance? I don't think so. Have you ever tried to dance to dubstep? Without being some magic dance wizard that was born to move in ways that shouldn't be humanly possible, you just can't dance to dubstep. Otherwise, you look like this:

Or this:

Or this:


That's not good. Someone please solve my dilemma. I can't keep listening to dubstep and feeling trapped because I CAN'T DANCE. This is a real problem for me. I don't think this is actually that musing, but I guess the gifs are amusing, so that counts for something.

P.S. I put the gifs in before I finished writing, and I could barely handle the Honey Boo Boo one. You don't know difficult until you try to write while that face is looking at you like that. It's ridiculously distracting, and freaking hilarious.